I heard myself saying, at a dinner party this evening, "I could write a book about how great it is to have my own bedroom." I was met with eyes of fear from from men in the room, and eyes of intrigue from the women.
About a year ago, I started having fantasies of transforming our extra "healing" room into my own cozy bedroom. My daughter was turning two years old, and our marriage therapist said that this period of transition from one to two years old was a time when the child and the mama come into sovereignty and that, during this period of natural and healthy separation, often many relationships disintegrate as well. I really felt into that, and how entering into my own sovereignty would not only benefit my own life, my career, and the deep desire to get to know myself again, but ultimately it would save my marriage from disintegration.
I worked up the courage to talk to my husband about this idea, and when I did, I was met with apprehension and fear, "What do you mean you're going to have the whole king size bed to yourself? What about me? What's this mean in regards to our love life?" I held this insecurity with upmost understanding and compassion, and offered, in response, "You'll have your own bedroom, too. You can do whatever you want to do in your bedroom and I have nothing to do with it. You can go to sleep when you want to sleep and wake up as early as you wish without disturbing me." This seemed to ease the fear. So I had a strong friend come over and help me move all the furniture around in three rooms of our house, majorly rearranging the energetic cords of disharmony that had been brewing for three years.
There were definitely a couple of bumpy moments as I attempted to connect these cords back to Source; finding my own personal boundaries, my sovereignty within our relationship, my own voice again, my own psychic space.
When I finally penetrated into the deepest layer of my sovereign beingness, it appeared that I needed my husband to knock on my door and receive my permission to enter. This was a major bump. This pushed on the edges of our collective marriage agreements. Boundaries. I stepped into honoring my personal boundaries and shook the whole daggon collective system loose from our individual marriage agreement. At this point, it appeared that our marriage would fail, so we planned a separation, and you now what happened? It did. That cultural mind-fuck-of-a-marriage fell apart; where I made myself small out if fear of hurting him with my hugeness, where I believed I owed him sex for providing for me, where I feared his power and puffed myself up. Gone. Those pieces died. Hallelujah.
And then guess what happened? We picked up the broken pieces, burned the ones that would no longer fit, and molded new ones out of the clay of sovereignty. Old contacts gone, while new contracts of respect, clear boundaries, friendship, autonomy, and sovereignty fell, heartily, into place.
As you enter into a marriage, it's really helpful to become aware of cultural contracts, and how they impact your own unique relationship. In our culture, sleeping in separate bedrooms might mean that the marriage is about to disintegrate. My relationship certainly appeared that it was disintegrating for sometime after taking the space, and now that we have really given ourselves the opportunity to come into each of our own centers, we can truly meet as sovereign people, we can meet without needing the other person to fill up the inner gaps that are inevitable, we're learning how to self source.
All the while we have each also cultivated a devotion to connection. I've come to really value connection because know it is a conscious offering to myself and to him. The connection time has clear boundaries that feel safe and good to both of us. I strongly believe that this had to do with the taking space in the physical bedroom.
Now I offer this experience with a word of caution, as there was another couple that I told about this and they tried it, and to my surprise, the relationship quickly disintegrated. When I reflect on it now, it's not so surprising, for two people must really have full awareness of the collective pressure on our individual psyches and on our marriage contracts to be able to take this step, or any step, forward-- into sovereignty within marriage.